New Consoles

You’re probably excited that soon enough actual, concrete details will be released about the next generation of consoles. Soon enough you’ll actually be able to own them and post poorly written diatribes about them on forums. That’s all people do with them, right? I know I don’t play games. I wouldn’t lower myself to them.  I read books, y’know? Actual art like Air Force Gator. Well anyway here’s a list of my tips for console announcements, and life in general, really.

1.       Lower your expectations. Seriously, they are way too high. Yeah, the current crop of consoles are showing their age, and yeah pre-rendered trailers are rad, but high expectations just lead to disappointment. Its like getting excited that that cute girl has actually agreed to go out with you, and now you’re imagining everything that you’ll do together, even though you don’t really know her yet. More importantly she doesn’t yet know just how much you suck.  Don’t argue; you’re reading this, mate. This is pretty much rock bottom. I wasted my time writing this shit, but you’re actually wasting your time reading it, which justifies my writing, but what do you gain from reading it? Fuck all.

2.       Read all the comments on any trailers or news pieces on your favourite site. We’ve already established youre at rock bottom, and the people writing those comments are also there. They just managed to form a crater, they’re like an asteroid of homophobic, sexist bile. By reading the comments youll feel better about yourself, because at least you’re not those guys. 

3.        Be cynical about the thing that everyone is going crazy for. This will prove that you’re edgy and don’t just follow the lamestream opinion. Your fellow forum goers will look at you with awe. The guys will want to be you. The girls still won’t want to be with you unfortunately.

4.       Ignore everything  and do something productive. Spend that time reading some Pynchon so then you can tell people you’ve read Pynchon. Did I mention I’ve read Gravity’s Rainbow? ‘Cause I have, and that’s a big book. This makes me better than you.