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How to be good at videogames

  1. It’s pretty important for you to have fingers. I’d even go as far as to say it’s vital. They’re needed for pressing on the buttons (I’ll explain this action later) and are they only way to do so. No, your nose is not a replacement for fingers. Nor are your toes. Sorry, this is just how the world is.
  2.  Having fingers is a good start but fingers on their own aren’t enough to be a great game-person. They need to be attached to something. We’ll call these things “hands”, which in turn need to be connected to “arms” (Google it), and they need to be coupled with a “body”, preferably your own.  
  3. William Shakespeare is dire at videogames. Shocking I know. The reason for this is because he’s not alive. Try to be alive if you want to be good at videogames.
  4. Make sure you’re playing a videogame. You can’t be good at a videogame if you’re not playing a videogame.
  5. Videogames are about pressing buttons. No, not chocolate buttons. No, not the buttons on your clothes either.  Please stop interrupting me. They appear on a controller (basically a lump of plastic that makes magic happen) which you hold in your “hands” (see 2). You hold the controller in both “hands”. Try to use an even amount of pressure; not too hard, but not too soft. Don’t be worried about getting this wrong. Unless you hold it too hard and end up crushing the controller, embedding splintered plastic in your freakishly powerful hands. If that happens you can be worried.
  6. You want to push these buttons (see 5) with your “fingers” (see 1). Again pressure is key. Too soft and nothing will happen. Too hard and you will most likely penetrate the controller. This will most likely lead to you losing your finger. As we’ve established fingers are crucial for videogames. If you lose a finger you will not be as good at videogames.
  7.  Is it really worth all this hassle to be good at videogames? The chance of losing a finger, or at least seriously maiming yourself, seems too high. I’d just stick with your competitive cup stacking. 
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About ryanry

I'm going to intermittently write things. They probably won't be very good.

One response to “How to be good at videogames

  1. Kelly ⋅

    HAHA I loved this! very cynical person you are and I appreciate this type of humor—you should post more!

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